Ever since someone gave me the book Daily Rituals – How Artists Work I’ve been obsessed with figuring out a routine for myself. Each chapter is about a different artist, mostly writers, but the author mentions people who have unique quirks or habits that assist them in being creative. I wish I could skip to the section with my name on it and learn whatever weird quirk that’s supposedly makes me successful. Maybe I should start chain smoking a bunch of Newport’s at the edge of my bed with a typewriter, or get naked and make the top of my fridge my workstation.
I wanna hear myself think again. But I lost myself to the siren blaring from the infinite number of streaming services screaming, “WATCH ME”. Whoever sends words to my brain is really doing an awful job today. They’re probably asleep because I spent the past two days not thinking for myself, and instead avoided writing this post by letting the show Shrinking do all the heavy lifting for my brain. Also my liver hurts. I hate binging shows, it makes me feel…I don’t know. SEND ME GOOD WORDS! If I find an easy show to watch I avoid my goals, so please stop telling me your recommendations, I am an addict.
This post began about my habits, which I feel I have none. The wind gets hold of my sail and I have hope but somehow, I constantly get stranded at sea screaming, “FUCK, I lost it again”. I start a habit and I lose it. Apps don’t help, self-talk, alarms, reminders, nothing ever becomes second nature for me. NOPE! I tend to get obsessed with something, then give it my full attention but when it’s not good enough anymore, I move on. Much like this idea to start a blog post, website, music videos, and skits. It’ll have a great run until the moment I start to feel overwhelmed.
I didn’t write nor post anything for two months because I never feel ready. I never feel finished. I second guess any decision even after all the hard work I put into it.
I guess I’m just mad at myself because for once I was doing good. I had habits and yet I still didn’t produce the results I was looking for. I was getting up before 9am, a big milestone for me YAY! Eating breakfast, lunch and dinner. Working out. Meditating. Writing. Organizing. Filming. Taking pictures. Good job Chris, but your still at square one.
It’s okay, I’m just sulking. I know all I have to do is try again. And again. And again. If I did have a weird quirk, it be that I talk to myself for ideas. I pretend to be the other characters. I text myself a really good idea. Then months later I come back to it trying to decipher the text. They usually get sent around 2 or 3am from my second number. I have to get out of bed and go to my old iPhone that stays plugged in because the battery is shot from whenever Apple did us dirty with the update. I stand at the end of my bed tethered to the phone with blue light glowing in the dark, typing away and giggling to myself.
I really wanted to be more mindful this year. Taste what I eat, recite what I read, examine what I watch, and hear what I’m listening to. Not just passively distracting myself from the dullness and let downs of everyday life. Well, I failed at that the second month into the year. But whatever, maybe I can start again after I finish this show Shrinking.
I feel that every piece of music, artwork, book or movie we consume, whether we do it mindfully or passively, finds a way to plant its roots deep into our subconscious and feed on either something negative or positive inside of us. The show Shrinking has an upbeat tone and a good feel vibe. Everything is shit, but it’s okay because the characters have each other and miraculously somehow uplift each other out of the holes they dig for themselves. But even a show like this never stops me from fucking hating it. Same reason I hate Ted Lasso. Sure, paint everything in color and mix it all around. Smile and wave. Spread cheer and love. I know there’s still something fishy, some underlying effect I can’t exactly pinpoint, so I don’t fucking trust it!
But I’m not gonna sit here and feed into the negative and dig myself a hole trying to find dirty secrets. At least not today. I’m just gonna go watch the last episode and get back to my work. Hopefully I make something good. Here’s to making this a habit! 2BZ out!